Wednesday, November 18, 2009
its days like these approaching the end
where i find myself on my knees
recounting the past events, each representing itself as 'a regret'
as i recalled the glorious morning i stood before the school
and declared that i was going to be the next top scorer
as i read in the bible that i should study for the Glory of God
shortly after which i grit my teeth to finish a math tutorial
As i remember how i stubbornly pursued an unbeliever
how i laid down my time to teach erin chem
how i gave my friends an impression that i was really cocky
how i wriggled past my promotional exams.
how i renewed a spirit of combat to deal with the 2nd year
how i patted myself on the back for having found 'true' love.
and then..
how i frenzied myself in a lunatic sacrifice of some of my friends just to spend time with her
how i protested against the clique's outing methods
how i broke into tears and stretched my arm towards the ceiling
and cried "God if you're there, grab my hand and tell me everything's going to be alright"
how i pretended like i was cool with everything she did
how i hopelessly conned myself into believing that there was still chance.
how i lied about liking a tennis girl from tpjc
how i said to myself, 100th day, on the 100th day i'll study
how i eventually did, and stopped on the 101st
how my life became incredibly screwed up
how i let erin down
how i wished i could say something, just to get my tongue caught because my credibility's gone.
how i wish this and wished that
how i stare blank-eyed at the complete miss of all my targets.
and i wonder to myself.. dear Lord, why did you salvage my academics.
why have you sent me on journeys to the airport?
why is this mind still preservered and not worm eaten together with everything else?
and i cannot help but say
Glory to the Lord, always.
His ways are higher than mine, and through the mess His plan unwinds.
oh if i had more faith, if only i listened..
11:31 PM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
interesting.
the new channel 8 show.
This girl was getting spooked out by what some guy was saying about ghosts.
She was in a rubbish refuse centre when she got really afraid.
She cried for buddha, goddess of mercy..
and finally.
she even cried for Jesus.
Wow, im.. what's this singapore? your idea of religious harmony?
7:48 PM
Saturday, November 07, 2009
at the face of a photo of happy memories.
to the people who're still living in the carefree period even i enjoyed
Those secondary school days..
Treasure those days.
Someday in the future life becomes something else.
In the thick of it all, you'll forget how it felt like.
Forget why you smiled and lost your mind.
1:52 PM
Thursday, November 05, 2009
anti-study, the force of evil
anti-study, the force of evil
i was too naive to think that isolating myself from the singaporean world at our beloved airport was the solution studying.
Oh how i missed the point and how foolish i were.
When its 11 and the sun comes out to shine, you sip your burger king hot tea and study, so confidently that you were breezing through the 2007 A level paper like it was a joke.
and then, the infinitely long hands of distraction came, in a form whereby you are blinded by a sense of duty, and productivity when you entertain tourists for about 3 hours straight
then you look at your phone and remark to yourself, time really flies!
and you wonder what untold horrors are there about slacking, look even the airport cant save you, maybe you might consider taking a budget airline from budget terminal for the truly sweet escape
9:10 PM
Friday, October 30, 2009
I'm incredibly delighted by the knocking and drilling goin' on in my neighbour's house upstairs.
Its really awesome. I mean, first people burn stuff when you're studying for prelims.. and then they start picking auspicious dates for renovation.
Its great. Go on, drill, dont stop.
11:22 AM
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
love, at a price.
Dear YS
I dont know why your tone changed when i shared that i've been trying to get over 2 girls, at the same time. What i speculate is, either im overreacting, or you're holding so fast to your belief in "true love".
You know, sometimes i doubt anyone really understands what i mean when i say i like somebody.
Most people refuse to be honest with themselves, thinking that a 'better' word, 'infatuation' will do them justice.
I dont want to judge them, but they can be wrong about themselves, unwilling to admit the weakness they share along with me, and happily absolving their guilt with a change of words.
Of course when we say "get over" it really means that the liking goes beyond secret admiring. That perhaps some course of action had been considered... and perhaps carried out fully or partially.
What i want to tell you is this: love isnt some lovey dovey thingy that happens when 2 people are inclined towards one another.
Love comes at a price, and that price i believe, is incurred at the choice.
I've always told myself, and now i tell you: dont be ridiculous, you may be destined for a certain person (infact i fancy the idea that humans are created in pairs) but until we're married we'll never know who that other half of a pair is. So since we'll never know, until we view, perhaps 1 second, perhaps a handful of years, from retrospect. Therefore, since we'll never know, dont imagine love to be a downstream river flow that guides you on a linear path...
The reality is that we make choices everyday. And the reality is also that at this given time, we cannot say confidently (and insolently) that we'll end up with anybody. Anything can happen. Sure i may confidently say that i'll not end up with an ahlian... or some random woman in africa- fair enough. But as far as im concerned, every decent lady around my age... is a door that can be opened, but only one of which i'll be stepping into.
Hence, you think to yourself. Oh no, tuckyan is yet another jerk who flirts with girls and stuff, he didnt really love his girlfriend!
WOMAN, let me tell you this, love started when i chose her. When i've decided that no matter how some other girl may appear to be more attractive, i'll be staying together with her, enjoying her, sacrificing for her and try to keep her i proved my love..
Do you understand?
Now wake up from your fairy tale and spare me any look of disgust.
So perhaps girls are frightfully faithful and only like 1 guy at any one given time.
Great, now i told you that not all guys are the same as girls.. and for those of them, they try ever harder.
8:07 PM
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
letter
some days ago i was sitting on a boat.
The seat was really uncomfortable, with the foam under the sheets all worn out
and bits and pieces were scattered on the floor beneath it.
i was with my family and no, i wasn't on a cruise.
I was on a humble boat on my way to tekong to send my brother into army.
Seated somewhere at a corner, i saw another family...
that guy.. he had a really fine looking girlfriend.
So for the next 5 mins, i projected images of girls i knew into the nearly empty cabin scene.
and from the lot of them, i figured: you.
The next few months are months we're all well acquainted with.
Today, i received my enlistment.
A torrent of re-regrets surged in my mind as my dad mentioned regarding the 4 spaces provided for members of family.
I always figured i can take you on the boat, because my brother likely cannot make it.
Everyone knows, but not everyone admits, the unwanted power of emotions.
I can see it already, as i walk along the piers to the boat, alone.. as the idea of sailing alone dominates my mind,
I will be so down there'll be no turning back for me.
If things reach there, maybe.. maybe..
6:22 PM
